aspie babble

i’ve been thinking about this for a while. i’m interested in aspies who self harm because it seems they often do it for different reasons to NTs. i’ve spent long spells in hospitals with patients suffering from depression/anxiety and i could never understand their reasons for cutting.

most likely triggering so i’ll do a read more :)

personally, i’ve always cut to quieten things and to focus on one sensation. almost like stimming, actually. i don’t feel upset, or like crying, just that it becomes too loud or uncomfortable around me and quite often i’ll be so relieved that i’ll sit and not realise how badly i’m bleeding for some time.

pain has always been soothing to me. i don’t have a preoccupation, but pain doesn’t bother me like it does for NTs (i think. it’s difficult to compare myself, because i’m not one so i generally assume they’re the opposite to me as that seems to be the common denominator between me/them)

things that i tolerate well that other people don’t appear to are things like bleach burning my scalp, tattoos, cuts, piercings, bruises.

when i was younger i used to make my mum scratch my back really hard, too. as i type this i realise how bizarre it reads but to me it was just soothing.

don’t get me wrong- self harm is to soothe/relax along mixed with a general distaste for myself and often follows the thought, “why can’t i just react fucking normally, i’m so weird.” it’s pain i seek out, whereas tattoos are because i like them and they’re pretty and i tolerate them well.

it’s handy not to fear pain. my whole life i’ve never understood why “other people” get so scared of things like pain. i always assumed i was just really brave!